


Love Lost

by the-black-birb (moriturism)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Reader-Insert, asanoya is mentioned, idk if i clarify the reader's gender but it's implied female, some suga x asahi if you squint, suga is bi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23274571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriturism/pseuds/the-black-birb
Summary: Sugawara has a secret that you wish he would've told you.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi/Reader
Kudos: 51





	Love Lost

To feel yourself falling out of love was quite possibly the greatest pain you had ever endured. The ache in your heart grew larger as you watched him with friends, laughing and smiling. You wondered when the space between you became so large, when an inch became a foot became a mile. Suddenly, there was a chasm of grief between you. As your mourned you silent loss, he continued on, unchanging.

“Babe,” Sugawara smiled at you. “What’s wrong?” he cocked his head to the side. He could read you like a book, always. But his tone never matched yours. Now, when looking at him had tears pricking at the corner of your eyes, his voice remained light and bubbly. A part of you hated the knot forming in your stomach, privy only to you. But still, you let it fester and grow. You let your anger burn under your skin until you were more fire than person.

“Nothing,” you smile back weakly, imagining your breath was not aflame. “Just tired,” you assure him. But the lies keep building up, and your throat feels hoarser every time you speak. Every “never mind” or “doesn’t matter,” every time you allowed him to walk over you is playing behind your eyes. They burn, too, and for a moment you forget that you cannot be hurt anymore than you are. You will not allow it.

Sugawara, although you are certain he can tell you are not okay, ignores it. You wonder if you are allowed to hate him for giving up on your relationship like this. You wonder if you are able to hate him without hating yourself, too.

“Azumane phoned me today,” he talks to you, instead. Avoiding your eyes, and avoiding bringing attention to your disdain. You bite your tongue at the name. _Azumane._ Hearing it on his lips never felt so wrong. “He and Noya are engaged.”

“That’s great,” you reply, but your tone says it’s anything but. Your words drawl out of your mouth, dragging on the floor below you. Because you are looking at anything but your partner, you don’t see the way his eyebrow twitches. Irritation, surely.

“We’re invited to the wedding, of course,” he tells you, grabbing from behind at your waist to pull you into an embrace. He tries to bury his head into your neck and let you feel all of his warmth. You contemplate, for a moment, letting him fall further into his delusion. You ask yourself if it will help to pretend that everything is alright. But Sugawara feels cold. He holds you like a lover, but your heart is empty.

You pull out of his grasp.

“Did he ask you to save him a dance?” you ask mockingly, thinking about the last time you saw Asahi. He called him Koushi, still.

Sugawara sighs behind you and although he approaches again to embrace you, his hands stay pinned to his side. “Why do you keep bringing it up?” he asks, hand rubbing through his hair. You bite your lip, wanting to choose your words carefully.

You do not know if you can learn to love Sugawara again, but you are certain that it depends on this moment. Though you have always been nothing but honest, lately you have been picking words more deceitfully. Is withholding information the same as lying, you wonder. If it is, you are both terrible.

But your blood is more coal than oxygen, and before you can breathe you are speaking. “What, that you dated him and you didn’t tell me? That you kept that a secret from me?” Venom drips from your lips as you speak, each word murder, and Sugawara drinks it all up from you. If you are fire, he is surely poison.

“Are you _jealous?_ ” He raises his voice and the adrenaline running through your veins turns to ice-cold fear. Suddenly, you have stepped too far into the unknown and you want your partner back. You want to continue to play like everything is fine. Rather than let remove the knife, you’d rather leave steel in your stab wound.

 _Jealous._ His words are lethal. Your fears are confirmed, as all you have been afraid of was jealousy. For the longest time, you loathed yourself believing your spite was from envy. But you’ve learned not to underestimate yourself.

“Do you think I care who you dated, Koushi?” You wish for your words to sound as wicked as his, but when you speak it is yearning. As you pray to become a diamond under pressure, unbreakable, instead you shed your skin to become nothing but a flame-dying out. Soon, there will be nothing left but ash.

“I know you have loved people before me,” you scold him, tears pouring down your cheeks. You speak through sobs, gasping for air through it all. “You have woken up next to others, you have cried with others, you have kissed others. I _know_ that.” You take a moment to catch your breath, and you cannot quite understand the emotion that Sugawara is looking at you with. Maybe it is because today is the first time you have truly seen him. The only time it was not just a glance or a fearful stare. But his eyes are unwavering and rigid in a way you do not recognize.

“So why is Asahi any different? What, just because he is a man?” Although you cannot understand his voice, the contempt in his voice clear as day. He does not give you a moment to breathe or think, far too frazzled by your words. The sutures holding you together come undone and you are left bleeding out. But you will not be quiet any longer.

“ _Because you didn’t trust me!”_ Suddenly, your voice is a tidal wave. It rings through your apartment and the destruction left in its wake is devastating. Suddenly you are not fire and poison but oil and water. There is an insurmountable wall between you, keeping you out of reach, and the distance between you is limitless again. But you are not finished.

“I’m your fiancé!” you tell Sugawara. Your head hurts and your knees are shaking and frankly, you can barely see him through the tears clouding your eyes, but your voice rings through clearly. “I know you will have loved and opened up to others, but I am here for you _now_ so why couldn’t you tell me about him? Why did I have to find out about your sexuality through your ex’s boyfriend? Why…” Overwhelmed, you fall to the ground and curl up, wanting nothing more to be small. “ _Why am I not enough?_ ”

As you concede, the wall between you tumbles. You are no longer brave in trying to confront your significant other, but scared and hurt. You are a wounded animal or a cub far away from their mother. And although Sugawara still cannot quite understand you or your feelings, he knows that fighting will not help.

When he walks away, you think your life might be over. Of course, when you found out that Sugawara wasn’t exclusively dating females you had no issue with it. But in the following weeks, you wondered if there was a reason, he had kept that information secret from you. Suddenly, you could only ever picture him in the arms of Asahi. You could only ever wonder how much better Asahi loved him, how much more he gave to him. You wondered if you could compare.

Afraid of losing him, you pushed him away instead. And now, you were certain you had lost him completely.

Instead, you hear footsteps approaching you again.

“I’m sorry,” Sugawara apologizes. His voice sounds hoarse and dry. “Can I sit next to you?” When you see the red around his eyes, you nod and scoot over so he has room. He joins you, placing a warm mug in your hands and wrapping the two of you together in a warm blanket.

Sugawara rests his head on your shoulder and you let him, sipping at your hot chocolate. He made it just how you like it, with milk and extra sugar. “I was scared,” he admits and suddenly you find your hand searching for his. When you find it, he squeezes your hand with quiet assurance. “I knew it wouldn’t make a difference to you, but that didn’t stop me from being afraid. What if it changed stuff, or made stuff awkward?” He sighs, and you are simply happy to feel his warmth next to you.

“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me,” you admit. “And that I didn’t tell you about my worries.” You still feel sick to your stomach, admittedly.

“I forgive you,” he says, and your chest feels a bit lighter. You know the weight holding you down will not go away overnight, but you are sure if you work together the two of you could raise the whole sky together.

“I love you,” you remind him, relaxing against him.

“I love you, too.” He closes his eyes.

The two of you fall asleep just like that, no longer fire or water but completely human and love.


End file.
